addict instead。〃
〃So what you're saying is； I'm your brand of heroin？〃 I teased； trying to
lighten the mood。
He smiled swiftly； seeming to appreciate my effort。 〃Yes； you are exactly
my brand of heroin。〃
〃Does that happen often？〃 I asked。
He looked across the treetops； thinking through his response。
〃I spoke to my brothers about it。〃 He still stared into the distance。 〃To
Jasper； every one of you is much the same。 He's the most recent to join
our family。 It's a struggle for him to abstain at all。 He hasn't had time
to grow sensitive to the differences in smell； in flavor。〃 He glanced
swiftly at me； his expression apologetic。
〃Sorry；〃 he said。
〃I don't mind。 Please don't worry about offending me； or frightening me；
or whichever。 That's the way you think。 I can understand； or I can try to
at least。 Just explain however you can。〃
He took a deep breath and gazed at the sky again。
〃So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever e across someone who was as〃 — he
hesitated； looking for the right word — 〃appealing as you are to me。
Which makes me think not。 Emmett has been on the wagon longer； so to
speak； and he understood what I meant。 He says twice； for him； once
stronger than the other。〃
〃And for you？〃
〃Never。〃
The word hung there for a moment in the warm breeze。
〃What did Emmett do？〃 I asked to break the silence。
It was the wrong question to ask。 His face grew dark； his hand clenched
into a fist inside mine。 He looked away。 I waited； but he wasn't going to
answer。
〃I guess I know；〃 I finally said。
He lifted his eyes； his expression was wistful； pleading。
〃Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon； don't we？〃
〃What are you asking？ My permission？〃 My voice was sharper than I'd
intended。 I tried to make my tone kinder — I could guess what his honesty
must cost him。 〃I mean； is there no hope； then？〃 How calmly I could
discuss my own death！
〃No； no！〃 He was instantly contrite。 〃Of course there's hope！ I mean； of
course I won't…〃 He left the sentence hanging。 His eyes burned into mine。
〃It's different for us。 Emmett… these were strangers he happened across。
It was a long time ago； and he wasn't as… practiced； as careful； as he is
now。〃
He fell silent and watched me intently as I thought it through。
〃So if we'd met… oh； in a dark alley or something…〃 I trailed off。
〃It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full
of children and —〃 He stopped abruptly； looking away。 〃When you walked
past me； I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us； right
then and there。 If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last； well；
too many years； I wouldn't have been able to stop myself。〃 He paused；
scowling at the trees。
He glanced at me grimly； both of us remembering。 〃You must have thought I
was possessed。〃
〃I couldn't understand why。 How you could hate me so quickly…〃
〃To me； it was like you were some kind of demon； summoned straight from
my own personal hell to ruin me。 The fragrance ing off your skin… I
thought it would make me deranged that first day。 In that one hour； I
thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me； to
get you alone。 And I fought them each back； thinking of my family； what I
could do to them。 I had to run out； to get away before I could speak the
words that would make you follow…〃
He looked up then at my staggered expression as I tried to absorb his
bitter memories。 His golden eyes scorched from under his lashes； hypnotic
and deadly。
〃You would have e；〃 he promised。
I tried to speak calmly。 〃Without a doubt。〃
He frowned down at my hands； releasing me from the force of his stare。
〃And then； as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to
avoid you； you were there — in that close； warm little room； the scent
was maddening。 I so very nearly took you then。 There was only one other
frail human there — so easily dealt with。〃
I shivered in the warm sun； seeing my memories anew through his eyes；
only now grasping the danger。 Poor Ms。 Cope； I shivered again at how
close I'd e to being inadvertently responsible for her death。
〃But I resisted。 I don't know how。 I forced myself not to wait for you；
not to follow you from the school。 It was easier outside； when I couldn't
smell you anymore； to think clearly； to make the right decision。 I left
the others near home — I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was；
they only knew something was very wrong — and then I went straight to
Carlisle； at the hospital； to tell him I was leaving。〃
I stared in surprise。
〃I traded cars with him — he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to
stop。 I didn't dare to go home； to face Esme。 She wouldn't have let me go
without a scene。 She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't
necessary…
〃By the next morning I was in Alaska。〃 He sounded ashamed； as if
admitting a great cowardice。 〃I spent two days there； with some old
acquaintances… but I was homesick。 I hated knowing I'd upset Esme； and
the rest of them； my adopted family。 In the pure air of the mountains it
was hard to believe you were so irresistible。 I convinced myself it was
weak to run away。 I'd dealt with temptation before； not of this
magnitude； not even close； but I was strong。 Who were you； an
insignificant little girl〃 — he grinned suddenly — 〃to chase me from the
place I wanted to be？ So I came back…〃 He stared off into space。
I couldn't speak。
〃I took precautions； hunting； feeding more than usual before seeing you
again。 I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other
human。 I was arrogant about it。
〃It was unquestionably a plication that I couldn't simply read your
thoughts to know what your reaction was to me。 I wasn't used to having to
go to such circuitous measures； listening to your words in Jessica's
mind… her mind isn't very original； and it was annoying to have to stoop
to that。 And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said。 It
was all extremely irritating。〃 He frowned at the memory。
〃I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day； if possible； so I
tried to talk with you like I would with any person。 I was eager
actually； hoping to decipher some of your thoughts。 But you were too
interesting； I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now
and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair； and the
scent would stun me again…
〃Of course； then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes。
Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment
— because if I hadn't saved you； if your blood had been spilled there in
front of me； I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us
for what we are。 But I only thought of that excuse later。 At the time；
all I could think was； 'Not her。'〃
He closed his eyes； lost in his agonized confession。 I listened； more
eager than rational。 mon sense told me I should be terrified。 Instead；
I was relieved to finally understand。 And I was filled with passion
for his suffering； even now； as he confessed his craving to take my life。
I finally was able to speak； though my voice was faint。 〃In the hospital？〃
His eyes flashed up to mine。 〃I was appalled。 I couldn't believe I had
put us in danger after all； put myself in your power — you of all people。
As if I needed another motive to kill you。〃 We both flinched as that word
slipped out。 〃But it had the opposite effect；〃 he continued quickly。 〃I
fought with Rosalie； Emmett； and Jasper when they suggested that now was
the time… the worst fight we've ever had。 Carlisle sided with me； and
Alice。〃 He grimaced when he said her name。 I couldn't imagine why。 〃Esme
told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay。〃 He shook his head
indulgently。
〃All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to；
shocked that you kept your word。 I didn't understand you at all。 But I
knew that I couldn't bee more involved with you。 I did my very best to
stay as far from you as possible。 And every day the perfume of your skin；
your breath； your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day。〃
He met my eyes again； and they were surprisingly tender。
〃And for all that；〃 he continued； 〃I'd have fared better if I had exposed
us all at that first moment； than if now； here — with no witnesses and
nothing to stop me — I were to hurt you。〃
I was human enough to have to ask。 〃Why？〃
〃Isabella。〃 He pronounced my full name carefully； then playfully ruffled
my hair with his free hand。 A shock ran through my body at his casual
touch。 〃Bella； I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you。 You don't
know how it's tortured me。〃 He looked down； ashamed again。 〃The thought
of you； still； white； cold… to never see you blush scarlet again； to
never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my
pretenses… it would be unendurable。〃 He lifted his glorious； agonized
eyes to mine。 〃You are the most important thing to me now。 The most
important thing to me ever。〃
My