like nothing at all。 I couldn't feel them。 I couldn't feel me。
The blackness rushed over my eyes more solidly than before。 Like a thick blindfold； firm and fast。
Covering not just my eyes but also my self with a crushing weight。 It was exhausting to push against it。 I
knew it would be so much easier to give in。 To let the blackness push me down； down； down to a place
where there was no pain and no weariness and no worry and no fear。
If it had only been for myself； I wouldn't have been able to struggle very long。 I was only human； with no
more than human strength。 I'd been trying to keep up with the supernatural for too long； like Jacob had
said。
But this wasn't just about me。
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If I did the easy thing now； let the black nothingness erase me； I would hurt them。
Edward。 Edward。 My life and his were twisted into a single strand。 Cut one； and you cut both。 If he
were gone； I would not be able to live through that。 If I were gone； he wouldn't live through it； either。
And a world without Edward seemed pletely pointless。 Edward had to exist。
Jacob—who'd said goodbye to me over and over but kept ing back when I needed him。 Jacob；
who I'd wounded so many times it was criminal。 Would I hurt him again； the worst way yet？ He'd stayed
for me； despite everything。 Now all he asked was that I stay for him。
But it was so dark here that I couldn't see either of their faces。 Nothing seemed real。 That made it hard
not to give up。
I kept pushing against the black； though； almost a reflex。 I wasn't trying to lift it。 I was just resisting。 Not
allowing it to crush me pletely。 I wasn't Atlas； and the black felt as heavy as a pla； I couldn't
shoulder it。 All I could do was not be entirely obliterated。
It was sort of the pattern to my life—I'd never been strong enough to deal with the things outside my
control； to attack the enemies or outrun them。 To avoid the pain。 Always human and weak； the only thing
I'd ever been able to
do was keep going。 Endure。 Survive。
It had been enough up to this point。 It would have to be enough today。 I would endure this until help
came。
I knew Edward would be doing everything he could。 He would not give up。 Neither would I。
I held the blackness of nonexistence at bay by inches。
It wasn't enough； though—that determination。 As the time ground on and on and the darkness gained by
tiny eighths and sixteenths of my inches； I needed something more to draw strength from。
I couldn't pull even Edward's face into view。 Not Jacob's； not Alice's or Rosalie's or Charlie's or
Renee's or Carlisle's or Esme's。。。 Nothing。 It terrified me； and I wondered if it was too late。
I felt myself slipping—there was nothing to hold on to。
No！I had to survive this。 Edward was depending on me。 Jacob。 Charlie Alice Rosalie Carlisle Renee
Esme。。。
Renesmee。
And then； though I still couldn't see anything； suddenly I could feel something。 Like phantom limbs； I
imagined I could feel my arms again。 And in them； something small and hard and very； very warm。
My baby。 My little nudger。
I had done it。 Against the odds； I had been strong enough to survive Renesmee； to hold on to her until
she was strong enough to live without me。
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That spot of heat in my phantom arms felt so real。 I clutched it closer。 It was exactly where my heart
should be。 Holding tight the warm memory of my daughter； I knew that I would be able to fight the
darkness as long as I needed to。
The warmth beside my heart got more and more real； warmer and warmer。 Hotter。 The heat was so real
it was hard to believe that I was imagining it。
Hotter。
Unfortable now。 Too hot。 Much； much too hot。
Like grabbing the wrong end of a curling iron—my automatic response was to drop the scorching thing
in my arms。 But there was nothing in my arms。 My arms were not curled to my chest。 My arms were
dead things lying somewhere at my side。 The heat was inside me。
The burning grew—rose and peaked and rose again until it surpassed anything I'd ever felt。
I felt the pulse behind the fire raging now in my chest and realized that I'd found my heart again； just in
time to wish I never had。 To wish that I'd embraced the blackness while I'd still had the chance。 I wanted
to raise my arms and claw my chest open and rip the heart from it—anything to get rid of this torture。 But
I couldn't feel my arms； couldn't move one vanished finger。
James； snapping my leg under his foot。 That was nothing。 That was a soft place to rest on a feather bed。
I'd take that now； a hundred times。 A hundred snaps。 I'd take it and be grateful。
The baby； kicking my ribs apart； breaking her way through me piece by piece。 That was nothing。 That
was floating in a pool of cool water。 I'd take it a thousand times。 Take it and be grateful。
The fire blazed hotter and I wanted to scream。 To beg for someone to kill me now； before I lived one
more second in this pain。 But I couldn't move my lips。 The weight was still there； pressing on me。
I realized it wasn't the darkness holding me down； it was my body。 So heavy。 Burying me in the flames
that were chewing their way out from my heart now； spreading with impossible pain through my
shoulders and stomach； scalding their way up my throat； licking at my face。
Why couldn't I move？ Why couldn't I scream？ This wasn't part of the stories。
My mind was unbearably clear—sharpened by the fierce pain—and I saw the answer almost as soon as
I could form the questions。
The morphine。
It seemed like a million deaths ago that we'd discussed it—Edward； Carlisle； and I。 Edward and Carlisle
had hoped that enough painkillers would help fight the pain of the venom。 Carlisle had tried with Emmett；
but the venom had burned ahead of the medicine； sealing his veins。 There hadn't been time for it to
spread。
I'd kept my face smooth and nodded and thanked my rarely lucky stars that Edward could not read my
mind。
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Because I'd had morphine and venom together in my system before； and I knew the truth。 I knew the
numbness of the medicine was pletely irrelevant while the venom seared through my veins。 But
there'd been no way I was going to mention that fact。 Nothing that would make him more unwilling to
change me。
I hadn't guessed that the morphine would have this effect—that it would pin me down and gag me。 Hold
me paralyzed while I burned。
I knew all the stories。 I knew that Carlisle had kept quiet enough to avoid discovery while he burned。 I
knew that； according to Rosalie； it did no good to scream。 And I'd hoped that maybe I could be like
Carlisle。 That I would believe Rosalie's words and keep my mouth shut。 Because I knew that every
scream that escaped my lips would torment Edward。
Now it seemed like a hideous joke that i was getting my wish fulfilled。
If I couldn't scream； how could I tell them to kill me？
All I wanted was to die。 To never have been born。 The whole of my existence did not outweigh this
pain。 Wasn't worth living through it for one more heartbeat。
Let me die； let me die； let me die。
And； for a neverending space； that was all there was。 Just the fiery torture； and my soundless shrieks；
pleading for death to e。 Nothing else； not even time。 So that made it infinite； with no beginning and no
end。 One infinite moment of pain。
The only change came when suddenly； impossibly； my pain was doubled。 The lower half of my body；
deadened since before the morphine； was suddenly on fire； too。 Some broken connection had been
healed—knitted together by the scorching fingers of the flame。
The endless burn raqed on。
It could have been seconds or days； weeks or years； but； eventually； time came to mean something
again。
Three things happened together； grew from each other so that I didn't know which came first： time
restarted； the morphine's weight faded； and I got stronger。
I could feel the control of my body e back to me in increments； and those increments were my first
markers of the time passing。 I knew it when I was able to twitch my toes and twist my fingers into fists。 I
knew it； but I did not act on it。
Though the fire did not decrease one tiny degree—in fact； I began to develop a new capacity for
experiencing it； a new sensitivity to appreciate； separately； each blistering tongue of flame that licked
through my veins—I discovered that I could think around it。
I could remember why I shouldn't scream。 I could remember the reason why I'd mitted to enduring
this unendurable agony。 I could remember that； though it felt impossible now； there was something that
might be worth the torture。
This happened just in time for me to hold on when the weights left my body。 To anyone watching me；
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there would be no change。 But for me； as I struggled to keep t